One Last Chance

My heart flutters, my face frowns,
My heart is racing, I fall to the ground.
A smile takes over and yet my eyes fill,
You confuse me so much, and yet I love u still.

My mind wanders, my wound become deep,
Infatuated by you, and yet I'm losing sleep.
My poems flow with no self control,
Everything goes right, and yet it takes its toll.

I dream of you, and yet I end up silent,
So here I am, writing poems to vent.
Deep into my eyes you stare,
Makes me wonder if you really care.

Hold me tight one minute, letting go the next,
You know it’s easy, don’t make it complex.
Pillow soaked in tears, yet smiling when I see you,
Holding my hand, yet you leave me without a clue.

I fear as time goes on you'll fade away,
Give me a chance, just say you'll stay.
I gave you my biggest hopes and dreams,
You know it felt right, I’m as real as it seems.

We only have one life as we hold,
So let your heart chains unfold.
Let me get deep inside your mind,
Give me a chance, to let us intertwine.

I would never hold the negative against you,
As shit happens, you won't see me blue.
As you've given me a chance, to open up to you,
As of my feelings for you have grown too.

I really think we rushed into things,
Now I’ll have to see what my life brings.
You’ve closed up on me and I don’t know what's wrong
You can't do that to me, you know I’m not that strong.

Are you not ready for anything more?
Because you want to let your heart soar?
Or are you truly just insecure of the outcome
And of what I would happen and what I would become?

As you can see, I’m wrapped in a blur,
Uncertainty of what will possibly occur.
Everything between was so great a few weeks ago,
Until that stupid night, that’s ruined everything we've known.

No one ever gives me a chance at all,
Its either I’m not ready, or they won’t catch my fall.
So just give me this chance, to show you the real me
So at least we'll have a chance, to see if we will be.

gawa ng friend ko...galing...

Stupid Wanton Things
by
Lorenz De Guzman

I wish I could write you a letter and post it on some
board
So you could at least grasp my point so solid it hits
you.

I wish I could catch yor hand right before it slaps
me
On the face so that I could feel the warmth of your
touch.

I wish I could do a million stupid things to you so
you
Would know that I could write thoughts down on
paper.

I have something to prove yet I could not state
facts.

I live. I exist. I am real.
So look at me straight in the eye.

(created 01/19/'05 @ 3:47 pm)

bakit ganun?

bakit ganun?
parang ang pangit ng pasok ng bagong taon ko..
andami na ngang namatay, andaming nasalanta ng mga kalamidad,
di pa nakuntento ang tadhana.
wala ngang pisikal na masamang nangyari sakin
pero bakit parang pati puso ko binagyo?
gustong lunurin,
wasakin,
patayin.
bakit ganun?

kung kelan magpapasko, kung kelan magbabagong taon
kung kelan magvavalentines
at kung kelan napamahal na ko ng todo todo
tsaka pa nagkawasak wasak at nabalewala ang lahat
mga usapan,
mga kwentuhan,
mga tawanan,
mga kacornihan,
mga pangako,
nawala lahat.

okay so hindi nawala
nanjan ka pa rin naman sabi mo.
pero bakit di ko maramdaman?
at bakit ba ayaw bumitaw nitong puso ko?

taena, katalitalino, pero bobo pa rin ako
sabi ng mga kaibigan ko wala kang kwenta
nagpaasa ka lang.
JERK.

pero bakit pinagtatanggol pa rin kita?
bakit kahit umiiyak ako sa kalooblooban ng pagkatao ko
ay nakukuha ko pa ring ngumiti para sayo
at magkunwari na okay lang ang lahat?

siguro ikaw ung tipong "ung mahal ko"
ang pipiliin keysa sa "ung mahal ako"
pareho lang pala tayo.
kasi nandito ako,
nagmamahal,
handang magsakripisyo para sayo,
tunay,
totoo.

dati sabi mo mahirap ako abutin
kasi ganito ako
kasi ganyan ako
at kasi ganito at ganyan ka lang.
pero nandito na ako sa harap mo.
di mo pa rin ba ako maabot?
o dahil ba lumayo ka at umiwas?
o talagang mas gusto mo ung mga di mo maabot?
katulad ngayon.

mas pinili mo pa rin ang iba
di ka sigurado
pero okay lang

di mo alam kung mahal ka nya
pero okay lang

handa kang maghintay
magsakripisyo
magtiis
tulad ko.

kasi mahal mo.

at siguro ganyan din nararamdaman ng mga taong
iniwasan ko
tinalikuran ko
binasted ko.
kasi umaasa pa rin ako sayo.
kasi naghihintay pa rin ako.

langyang buhay naman to.
mukhang lahat ng tao, ung "mahal niya" pipiliin niya
kaya maraming malungkot
kaya maraming sawi sa pag-ibig.

siguro totoo nga,
mahirap turuan ang pusong magmahal
ikaw nga di mo makayanang turuan ang sarili mo,
kahit na walang sawa ang pagmamahal ko.

pero mas mahirap pa rin ang lumimot
kasi may pinanghahawakan kang ala-ala
na sa ayaw at gusto mo'y dadalawin at mumultuhin ka
walang oras
walang araw
paiiyakin ka
gaya ngayon.

something to think about

wala lang..may nag-email sakin..share lang..napa-isip ako eh..


The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage.

Others call it MU or mutual understanding.
Pseudo-relationships.
Pseudo-boyfriends.
Pseudo-girlfriends.
Flings.
Almost like a relationship, but not quite.

It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but
not quite lovers.
Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala.
One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi.
You just let your gestures do the talking for you.
Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari.
Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang
kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for
different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each
other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a
reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna
magkabalikan. It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho
kayong nakikiramdam.
Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag- seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian
lang muna. Testing lang.
Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may
ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
boy/girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya
ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya
nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung
naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect
na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan. So bakit
ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan
Iba't ibang dahilan.
Puwedeng for fun lang.
Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom."
Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa
kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they
would think that pseudo- relationship is better than no relationship
at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig"
feeling. But then I learned that although it was only a
pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind
of set up, ang merong malulugi.. ung nainlove sa taong taken na.
Una, you can't ask him/her to commit. Since it's not really a
relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba
kayo? You will always be uncertain about your role in his/her life.
You can't expect him/her to be always there with you. And if you feel
jealous of the other boys/girls, you just have to keep it to yourself.
Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him/her? You can't be
sure if he/she feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal
ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him/her you love him/her,
you can't. Because you're not sure if he/she will like it. Baka
mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are
in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have
invested all your emotions and this man/woman hasn't? What if you
remain faithful to him/her, not entertaining other guys/gals, only to
find out that he/she is seeing other girls/boys?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo- relationships, it is fleeting. When a
disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be
the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung
saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship.

Wala kang pinanghahawakan.

Kasi sa pseudo- relationship, there is no "us."

Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

recently

a lot of things have been happening lately... both good and bad...
1st, my dad confiscated my cel last saturday...
why? well.. he saw some messages that he just didn't like..
dad's being too protective.. grabe, i was so scared that day...
akala ko kung ano na gagawin niya sakin... i didnt have anyone to talk to...
buti na lang i talked to my mom before going home..
i specifically asked her if i could talk to her sa office..
tpos un, i cried my heart out.. and told the whole story of this certain guy that i like...
mom was so understanding....she said na im growing up na nga...
i realized na kaya sila nagagalit dati kasi i was too young...
now mom's telling me i just have to assure them that i can take care of myself and that im not going to do anything stupid..
so yun, thats the happy part..when i got home, nilambing ko si daddy...i hugged him agad...guess what? di siya nagalit! ang saya lang ng feeling na somehow theyre learning to let go of their little daughter...mas naging close rin ako sa parents ko now..i didn't think that something like that dad finding out about this guy i've been crushing on would be the reason for us to become closer.... (to that guy, i owe u sobra)...
tapos the nice thing pa is dahil sobrang happy ko now (kahit wala pa rin sakin ung 3660 ko), sobrang nagsisipag rin ako sa pag-aaral!!
i dunno..suddenly i'm inspired..
i want to excel in school..get good grades..change for the better...
and it feels so good! yung alam mong ur really trying hard and that ur efforts are paying off! haaaay ang problema ko nlng is ung crush ko!! nyahahahaha! but ewan ko, iv learned to take things one step at a time.. katulad ng lagi kong cnasabi, im happy being friends with him... i'm not closing doors, but i don't want to expect or to pressure him rin naman.. i've learned to love myself, to be contented with what i have, to appreciate the small things that go along with friendship.. and i think that he's got a lot of things going for him rin right now.. so no pressures di ba? if he feels he's ready, nandito lang ako.. but in the mean time, mag-eenjoy muna ako sa mga corny na usapan at sa mga kwentuhan namin! o(-,-)o

love survey from friendster

i came across a love survey in friendster....

1. Who's your love?
c God..family ko...
tska c.....uhm...ewan...basta....secret...malabo eh....

2. Do you believe in the saying that "first love never dies"?
hmm...ayon kay sharon cuneta sa Kung Ako Na Lang Sana...ung 1st love mo, d mawawala yan..it may deteriorate or grow but more or less, mahal mo pa rin ung tao..pwdeng di na romantic ung love preo may special place pa rin cya sa puso mo...

3.How do you know when it's really love?
actually hanggang ngayon nahihirapan pa rin ako idistinguish ang real love from infatuation..ksi dba sbi nila,love mo na isang tao when u cant stop thinking abt d person, pag kinikilig ka lagi..eh what if di ka na kinikilig?magsasawa ka na lang? i think its real love when ur ready to accept everything about that person, his strengths and weaknesses..when u can already imagine spending ur life with that person, waking up each morning and knowing that ur happy with him/her..love is not obsessing about someone or thinking about someone 24/7..its about complementing each other..di dapat sa kanya umiikot mundo mo..

4.Do you know when someone likes you?
uhm depende..may mga guys kasi na open about their feelings..meron namang iba na paikot-ikot..may mga torpe..may mga segurista..may mga takot...depende talaga..

5.Is love lovelier the second time around?
uhm, depende rin..meron kasing ibang couples, they try it for the second time around tpos parang pilit na lang..iba pa rin ung 1st time..pero depende nga talaga..i believe naman kasi that every1 deserves a second chance..if things didn't work out the 1st time, lear from your mistakes and if ur still willing, try again..wla naman masama dun dba?

6.What' s your opinion about the saying LOVE IS BLIND
barbero yang quote na yan!hypocrite lang magsasabi nyan! kasi nga, no matter what u say, importante ang looks one way or another!pero kung di physical aspect ung titignan, yes, LOVE IS BLIND.. kasi when u really love someone, u look past all the shortcomings and negative sides about the person..u learn to accept him/her for who he/she really is..

7.Will you do everything for the person you love?
uhm for God oo, tska dun sa pakakasalan ko cguro...dati i would have said yes..martyr kasi ako..but ive learned from my mistakes..naisip ko, ambata ko pa...ayoko namang magpakamatay for anyone at my age noh..hehe pero i'm very willing to help kung may maitutulong...

8.Will you ever fall in love with your best friend?
pwede..maganda nga ung close friends kau before maging kayo...para kilala nyo na talaga isa't isa..pero minsan nakakatakot..kasi may ibang tao na once maging kayo, tpos di nagwork out relationship nyo, kinakalimutan na rin pati friendship nyo...lalng...ayko naman mangyari un sa'min ng bestfriend ko...

9.What's your type of girl/boy?
kamukha ni geoff eigenmann! wahahaha! basta! wala naman akong specific qualifications.. dba nga sabi nila, "u set qualifications for the one u want, when in reality, the one u'll end up loving will always be an exception"...

10.Do you express your feelings openly?
depende...minsan..pero sometimes kailangan kong itago...tulad ngayon...kasi mahirap na, lalo pag di ka naman sure kung ano talagang naffeel ng gusto mong girl/guy...

11.What do you dislike in a girl/boy?
mayabang..feeling..walang respeto sa babae..and most of all, ung SINUNGALING...

12.Who's your crush?
ung mga nasa previous blogs ko.....

13.Do you have a bf/gf?
wala eh...pero ayos lang..friends naman kami ng crush ko..okay na un....at least..wla lang..

14. Is it possible for you to fall in love with an older man or woman?
older guy, oo! older woman? haha never! kahit younger pa! haha ewan ko..i've always been attracted to older guys..mga guys kasi na halos ka-age ko lang, mga immature pa..mga totoy...shallow mag-isip..puro porma..puro fronts...eh ung mga mas older sakin, they know how to treat a woman well, di sila immature mag-isip, di sila mahilig makipag-away about petty stuff, they know how to understand..basta..tska may direction sila sa buhay..goal-oriented..di tulad ng mga ka-age ko na puro short term ang goals..parang they live one day at a time..tpos mas di boring pag older..basta!!!

15. Eh younger?
hehehe uhm, 1 year lang cguro..pero as much as possible ayoko talaga ng younger...as in..ayoko na feeling nanay or ate ako!!hahahaha!

16. is it possible for you to fall in love with your same sex?
no!!! sorry di ako lesbian...

17.How hard is a break- up?
very hard..need i explain?

18.Are you a heartbreaker?
no..ako lagi kasi nasasaktan eh..hehe...

19.What do you do after a break- up?
cry..get angry...wallow in self-pity for a long time...then try to busy myself with other things..tpos forgive and forget..

20.Do you swear never to fall in love again?
huh??? alam ko break-ups are nasty but the feeling u get while in love is very much worth every heartache!

21.What's the greatest lesson you've learned regarding love?
learn to forgive and forget

22. Single ka?!
hinde..may bf na ko..di nga lang nya alam na bf ko cya!!mwahahaha joke lang! single pa...

23. Masaya ka ba sa nararamdaman mo ngayon?!
ewan ko..magulo eh...mixed emotions..parang gusto ko magmahal ng sobra pero kelangan munang pigilin...

24. If given a chance, gusto mo siya balikan?
cno? ex ko? may gf na cya eh... at mukhang happy naman cya...

25. Minahal mo siya?
oo naman..sobra sobra sobra sobra...

things and a lot of other things

okay, so i haven't blogged for a while...

updates: i already have a non pro drivers license..
(and i hit our basement parking's sensor too *sad*)
heehee but i still have to return after 2 weeks to get the laminated card..

what else what else? uhm, sembreak's kinda dull..
well its just that everything is so routine..eat, sleep, eat, sleep...
hahahaha the only thing that's nice about my sembreak are the few times that i got to go out..
like last saturday, i was in galleria, went shopping, then aki picked me up then we went to katipunan..
hung out for a while n starbucks, then played billiards..i haven't really played in a long time na so at first "kinakarne" nko ni aki! hahaha galing nya eh! but then eventually ok na ako..pero paminsan minsan, may mga scratch pa rin, o kaya tumatalon ung mga bola! hahaha! lalang! buti na lang aki's such a fun guy! kulit sobra! we would always make asaran while playing! hehehe mga "yay! yay! yay!" pag maganda tira at mga "awwww...." pag panget! hahaha mga "eto para sayo.." na tira na di naman pumapasok ung bola!! hahahaha! lalng...
after playing, we hung out in his car lang coz he started feeling dizzy tpos kwentuhan lang! sountrip din!
and oh yeah, one thing in common between us is that we're VAIN! hahahaha! he kept on grabbing my phone and taking pictures! and i also took some shots of him, galing ko daw photographer! haha coz he immediately replaced his friendster pics with those that i took! lalang!

what else? hmmm, i have a sun sim na pala...sobrang sulit lalo na pag mga lagi mo katext or kausap sa phone, may sun sim rin..parang landline! hehe sulit sakin kasi strict parents ko about using the phone eh! wala lang! pero panget lang, minsan mahirap maghanap ng signal! haha!

ahh! yesterday, i went to toff's halloween bday bash in their house in dasma village! (fairy princess costume ko!!!) hmm at first sobrang boring kasi onti lang ng people..tpos i arrived real early pa...lalng..tpos badtrip coz onti lang kami sa block ko na pumunta! ung iba, high school friends or village friends na ni toff! wla lang! ayun! i think i got drunk kasi sobrang di ko napapansin, sunudsunod na pala ung pag inom ko! haha tpos nagpakilala si andrew, ung event organizer...
tpos he introduced me to his colleagues.... steve, gino, and i forgot the other guys name eh..hehe tpos they gave me a VIP card, for their events in temple bar and v club.. hehe and pinainom nila ako ng wine! kasi san mig light and spiked drinks lang ung sineserve sa iba! hehe tpos dun ako nagsasayaw sa music booth nila..wla lang!
tinatamad nko magsulat! next time nlng!